Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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