Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
time to smoke my breakfast
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
