I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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