I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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