His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
