This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
