This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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