i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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