textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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