I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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