oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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