at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
