i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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