My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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