12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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