I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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