When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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