Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
