Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
two words...techno handjob
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
