The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
