Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
