please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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