also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
