Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
