He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
