I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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