This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
