even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
