Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
