Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
