Banned from zoo.
Again?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
