Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
