If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
