my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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