How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
