There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
