I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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