My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
