I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
