I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
