I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
