I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
