I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
