well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
