that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
