so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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