My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
