There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
