I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
