A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Randomize
