I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
