i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
