i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
